February 2nd, 2004


in today's email...

Date: Sat, 31 Jan 2004 12:30:59 -0800
Gusev Crater (MPI) - A spokesthing for Martian Air Force
denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the
desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Saturday. Appearing at a press
conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that "the object
was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien
spacecraft". The story broke late Saturday night when a Major stationed
at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Gusev Crater Daily
Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which
allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times
before coming to a stop, and "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien
gases." Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily
Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report. General Rgrmrmy
The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle
roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by
incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to
accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to
speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy
theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious
government cover-up," pointing out that Mars has no swamps (oops). They
point to the release of secret government memos detailing attempts to
discredit reports of the landings by alien space craft. The memos
discuss strategies to avoid troubles similar to those caused by the War
of the Worlds radio program of years ago. The program, which featured a
sensational story of gigantic oxygen breathing two-eyed invaders from
Earth, sparked planet-wide panic. Local residents like Driv Rhodo, who
lives in the area of the alleged landings, are even more skeptical. "I
seen it with my own 3 eyes" claimed Rhodo last week. "I've lived here
over 300 years, most of my adult life-form. Them things used to be few
and far between but lately they come in every few years or so. The
government wants to bury the truth but I can tell you what's real. The
Earthlings are going to invade and the government is spending our hard
earned tax dollars on press releases and denials instead of preparing
for the battle to come." A spokesthing denied any government involvement
in the disappearance of Rhodo, who has not been seen since shortly after
the interview, claiming "Any sentient being knows that a planet with the
concentrations of water and oxygen found on Earth is a deadly and
inhospitable environment for the formation of life, much less
intelligent life. The fear and consternation caused by the unfounded
andwild speculations of citizens like Rhodo are a traitorous disservice
to the citizens of Mars." ------ End of News Break