April 22nd, 2004


(no subject)

sometime in may, nicole will be leaving tucson for upstate new york. there are certain things i won't say and certain questions i won't answer out of respect for her privacy, and i request that you not ask her any questions unless she talks about it in her journal. suffice to say that we still love each other and we will part the best of friends.

despite that, i am feeling empty, drained, and a bit lost these days. i'm sure it will pass, i'm not looking for sympathy or help, i just need to talk about it. up until nicole's decision to move, my future had her in it indefinitely. even though many of my plans preceded our relationship and many will continue after, they were our plans for the better part of a year. now i am faced with re-examining myself and my future yet again.

i doubt i will get into another relationship any time soon. i take a long time to process breakups. fortunately i am comfortable alone, for the most part. i'll be lonely at first, but i'll get over it.

what really bugs me, i guess is the persistent feeling of inadequacy. the feeling that i'm not good enough somehow, that my admitted character flaws are so egregious that they eclipse the good in me. it's hard not to feel like a failure when someone you love and who loves you gives up on you.

i'll be ok, though. i know who i am and i like me just fine. i'll keep plugging away, and i'll get a lot more hiking time in. i'll also probably spend more time on live journal. if i get lonely, i have two wonderful doggies :)