I watched Dubya's speech on the Iraq conflict and his "closing argument" on why Congress and the UN need to get behind him. I have to say that I'm now thoroughly convinced. A few thoughts:
I'm very worried about Iraq getting nukular weapons. They may be even more destructive than the paltry nuclear stockpile the US has. Clearly, we can't allow the development of this new class of weapons. All that's now required for Saddam Hussein to destroy the world is a uranium softball. He may be recruiting certain elements within Major League Baseball, even now, to bat it from the Middle East into the US or Europe. Scott Brosius didn't really retire, people!
Its terrible the way Iraq has invaded not one, but TWO of its neighbors. Dubya didn't mention Iran by name, but I remember the way the US rushed to Iran's aid when Iraq attacked. See, few people know this, but all the weapons we sold to Iraq at the time were meant to self-destruct. The evil Iraqis obviously disarmed the carefully-constructed self-destruct mechanisms that we'd secretly installed. We were acting in Iran's best interests, because we had a lot of sympathy for Iran. They were our good friends at the time. Those people in the embassy back in '79? Dinner guests. We never, never meant to support the Iraqi invasion. Its all a misunderstanding. Iraq must be punished for using the weapons we provided!
Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. We know this. And they're giving them to terrorists, which is why, with all the terrorist attacks we've been seeing in Israel, the US, etc., there have been so many weapons of mass destruction used. Millions of people have died. Anthrax and bubonic plague and smallpox are rampant around the globe.
Maybe Hussein is just waiting for the right time. Things just haven't been right for the use of this secret technology for the past 11 years. When Bob Brezny gives the sign in his Freewill Astrology column, Iraqi-backed terrorists will use the weapons of mass destruction (which, after all, only require one Iraqi intelligence officer for effective dispersion in the case of bio-weapons). The sign? Brezny will write, "Today is a good day for using your weapons of mass destruction, O Allies of my Secret Iraqi Lord and Master. Death to America!" Then we'll know, but it will be too late. Clearly, Brezny must be stopped.
Iraq is developing unamanned aircraft to deliver weapons of mass destruction to the US. The many aircraft we have currently in Iraqi airspace are powerless to stop these, in just the same way they've been powerless to do anything about the hundreds of weapons facilities that Iraq has been building. The jets we have there are only capable of destroying communications and radar installations, and of dropping leaflets. These are very specialized aircraft, which are useless in stopping drone-ships or other aircraft because the windows are on the bottom of the plane. We can only hit stuff that's underneath the planes. And then only if there are no other weapons involved in the things they're destroying. Lateral fire of any kind is impossible.
Al Qaeda leaders are hiding in Iraq. In fact, one Al Qaeda leader even received medical treatment in Baghdad. This is unacceptable, as that leader's HMO doesn't have any preferred providers in Baghdad. He should have first seen his primary care physician in Basra for a referral, and by not doing this, he circumvented international conventions on medical treatment. The Al Qaeda leaders, of course, are having a big party. In Kurdish territory. Occalan? Who's Occalan? We never heard of any steenking Occalan. The Kurds love us, and we love them... just like they're well-loved in Turkey, too. They would never harbor anyone from Al Qaeda.
We have proof of everything. No, really, we do. And just like John F. Kennedy said that an actual act of aggression is no longer prerequisite for a nation to defend itself (in reference to the Cuban missile crisis), we don't need any actual aggression to launch a first strike against a country that has all these things that we have proof of, and we must take the word that we have proof on faith that such proof exists... even though nobody's realy seen it. That's because, just like during the Cuban Crisis, the government decided that the photographic and other proof was too intelligence-sensitive to publicize. Certainly, Kennedy never released images of the Cuban weapons installations during the Crisis, and of course we launched that huge pre-emptive strike against Cuba back in the 60's, killing thousands and thousands of people. C'mon, you remember it, right? Its in all the new history books. Like Iraq, Cuba had gotten its hands on nukular weapons, so we had to blow it up. Our current administration is simply following in the footsteps of the Kennedy administration. Next up: Great Society II, the Privatization of Social Security. Coming soon to a theater near you!
So yes, I am convinced now. These "closing arguments" were much more convincing than anything I've heard to date. Clearly, we must act NOW to defend oil freedom. The Iraqi people are our friends, and would be the first and greatest benefactors from our dropping bombs on them. You must understand Dubya's tremendous affection for the Iraqi people. He only wants what's best for them. Its not ultimately all about the US. We must bomb Iraq into democracy... for the children!
Yes, I'm convinced now. How could I ever have had any doubts? War is peace. We have always been at war with Eurasia. Thus, we are at peace with our enemies, and war is not imminent. Congress will soon give Dubya permission to wage peace by any means necessary. Our happy-boomies will rain from the sky like a gentle spring shower, and little blossoms of joy will arise wherever they fall. The Iraqi people will dance merrily in the streets with free butterscotch sundaes for all, and we'll all be best friends and go on dates and see movies together, and there will be bowling on Thursday nights.
War is not imminent. Its only an option. Now go back to sleep.