i (i) wrote,

as promised, naked honesty

Ok, this is what happened this weekend. I went to my neighbor’s christmas party on Saturday night. I was on my second drink, sitting by myself as I usually do at parties where I don’t know anyone. I recognize another neighbor from a block over. She is also an artist, somewhat older than me, hispanic. We have met a couple of times, so I wave and say hello. She comes over and sits down. We talk for a couple of minutes and then she reaches over and puts her hand on mine. Her touch is incredibly soft, even sensuous. Now bear in mind that this is a woman I have no interest in physically, and barely know, but that simple touch seemed full of meaning somehow. Then she leans over and nuzzles my neck, pressing an excruciatingly soft, moist kiss right on my jugular. I suppose it could be just me, but this whole scene is just oozing sex. You all know where I am at right now, at least partially. So I say “I’m not going there”. She looks at me and says “ I wouldn’t have sex with a man right now”. At this point I am completely confused. I have no idea what is going on. She asks “do you know why I did that?” “why?” “to break down your wall”. Then she does it again, the touch of the hand, the nuzzling kiss. You have to understand how wonderful it felt. I have been avoiding intimacy for a long time now. The most I have seen is a hug every once in a while from a friend. At this point I am feeling incredibly vulnerable. If we hadn’t been in my neighbors back yard surrounded by people, I don’t know what I would have done. So then she starts giving me grief about how she has invited me over to her house a bunch of times. (I remember once, two years ago) then she starts asking me what my problem is, acting offended, I’m not sure what. We were both a bit buzzed. We both got up, I went and got another drink, and she went and sat somewhere else. I talked to a couple of friends and left early, which I would have done anyway. I guess what bothers me most about this is her comment about the wall I have admittedly built around myself. She has no idea how close she was to seeing it crumble. Now I know I say a lot of things here at LJ that seem very open and honest, and they are, but the wall is still there. I just lob truths over it into your world every once in a while. Most of me is still hidden, and if I want to, I can plaster over all the cracks so you can’t see through, I can delete my journal, change my email, essentially disappear from your view. I have no intention of doing that, but the fact that I can, makes honesty much easier. So what is this wall I have built sheilding me from? Pain? Risk? Love? Commitment? Or by keeping those things out, am I cheating myself of life? If a virtual stranger can shake the foundations of that wall with a touch, a kiss, and a comment, how do I venture beyond that wall to find the person I really want/need? I know myself, when I fall, I fall hard. When I really love, watch out. When I let that happen again, I want it to happen with someone who falls just as hard. I don’t want to fall for a touch and a kiss only to find out that that is all it is, or to fall for a touch and a kiss , realize it is the wrong person and slam the door in their face. The wall obviously must come down, but I have to find a way to channel everything that has been enclosed within it for three years. I’m not sure if the wall is keeping me from seeing the person I am looking for, or if I am just not really looking yet. Maybe if I find her, the wall will be invisible to her, and she will see me as if it isn’t there. Or, maybe the wall will make me invisible to her, and she will walk right past me. So back to the woman who started all this. She is obviously very perceptive. She saw exactly where I am, and reached right through the wall and caressed my fear. Then she walked away and left me to think about it. I’m tempted to walk over to her house and sit down and talk to her about it,but I am terrified that she will totally demolish the wall, but I want it to come down, but hiding behind it is so comfortable, but damn, that kiss was delicious.
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