i (i) wrote,

mmm Guinness Extra Stout.

OK, its been a week since the accident. i showed the pictures to the owners of a local circle k store. they looked through them, looked at me, and said "welcome to your new life". interesting way to look at it. i suppose if i was a believer, i would be thanking god profusely. i'm not, although i have the utmost respect, and sometimes envy for those who are capable of faith. my dad is a retired congregational minister, and one of the best people i know. i am truly proud to be his son. i don't share his faith, but he has never pressured me to. i think he understands that faith is not something you chose. you either have it or you don't. an awful lot of people out there are pretending just to fit in. anyway, that option is not available to me, so how do i respond to my incredible good fortune coupled with pain and guilt over the death of my wonderful dog pita? mmm guinness extra stout. just kidding. i have no desire to lose myself in a bottle. i do, however seem to have been given some kind of opportunity here to start over. i have been making a effort to change certain things about the way i live my life. one at a time, i am dealing with issues. i quit smoking 8 years ago sunday. that was probably the first real hurdle in my path to self improvement. if i can quit smoking while in an incredibly stressful, unhealthy relationship, i can do anything. then, i ended that relationship, and changed my attitude towards love and sex dramatically to keep from getting into another similar debacle. i have gone from a courier at Manpower to a quality technical job for a cellular provider, and am looking at job offers which will more than quadruple my Manpower income. i own a home. i have lost 30 pounds this year, on the way to a total of 50. i have re-established friendships that i almost lost during my five years living with she who will be forgotten. i guess my point is, what do i do with an opportunity to start over, when i have been slowly moving in what i believe is the right direction already? i have other goals, to be sure, but i seem to do better tackling one major life-change at a time. do i accelerate? one thing i need to do is take more risks. i don't mean risks to my health, but risks of failure and rejection. i need to get out and try seriously to promote my artwork. i am a fantastic artist and should have some recognition and income because of it. selling a couple of paintings every now and then doesn't cut it. i also need to start dating. i can't say dating again, because i never really have. i have always ended up with people who happened to be in my life. i have never asked someone out who i just met. it terrifies me. i must have a really deep fear of rejection or something. but i have weathered a lot of rejection without to much pain. being an artist means being rejected. although, i sure don't go out of my way to ask for what i want or need as either an artist or as a man, so despite the fact that i seem to be able to take rejection, i still avoid it like the plague. mmm guinness extra stout. 2nd bottle. so, back to my "second chance". what do i do with it? I feel pretty good about the direction my life is going in most respects. one thing i resolve to do as of this moment is to stop pushing away opportunity, rejecting offers to avoid rejection. another resolve, is one i have already made, to make an effort to be of service to people who need it. i'm not sure how that will materialize, but something will come up. the next time habitat for the humanities is in town, i will definitely be there. i have some construction skills, so i have something to offer there, but i am thinking along more significant lines. a couple of years in the peace corps maybe? i don't know. that won't happen for at least five years, if it does at all, and i really can't see that far in my future clearly enough to commit. another dog? that is really hard. would i like to have another companion? absolutely. now? i don't know. taking responsibility for a life closes a lot of doors while opening others. when you fail in that responsibility you are forever changed. if i had another dog, would i ever be able to put her in the seat of my truck next to me? probably, but i'm not ready yet. i have to drive by the spot where pita died on tuesday, and i dread it. i know it will all come out then. so i'm sitting here drinking guinness extra stout on friday nightby myself writing on the internet to a bunch of people i don't even know about my deepest personal feelings and fears (well maybe not the DEEPEST). what does that say about me? its not that i don'thave close friends, although most of them are pretty far away in both distance and time, but this is more comfortable, in a way. maybe it is the anoymity, i don't know. mmm guinness stout

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